From Taylor Swift's "Eldest Daughter" to the Book "Eldest Daughter Syndrome": A Psychiatrist's Perspective
Strength Forged by Role Expectations
Whether it's Taiwan's book Eldest Daughter Syndrome: We Weren't Born to Carry Responsibility—Stories of Taiwanese Daughters Across Generations, or Taylor Swift's new song "Eldest Daughter" which sings:
“Every eldest daughter / Was the first lamb to the slaughter”
These two seemingly unrelated texts coincidentally touch upon the same gradually emerging theme: eldest daughters, and the psychological structures they've grown accustomed to carrying.
In clinical work, I often see eldest daughters or the most considerate daughters in families who grew up in an atmosphere of "being needed." They're expected to be sensible, care for others, and serve as role models.
Over time, these expectations gradually internalize into a psychological pattern: becoming accustomed to being useful, maintaining order amid chaos, and viewing "making others feel secure" as their core value.
However, when this pattern operates long-term, "function" quietly replaces "self."
When a person's self-worth becomes long-term bound to function (whether emotional value or actual labor value), she unconsciously views "giving" as a necessary condition for existence. Even when showing signs of exhaustion, she lacks the courage to stop, because resting, seeking help, or refusing others triggers deeper anxiety: "If I no longer provide value, will anyone still need me?"
In others' eyes, they're strong and stable pillars, but internally they're often depleted. When internal needs have no outlet long-term, exhaustion manifests physically: insomnia, chronic pain, autonomic nervous system dysregulation, anxiety, and depression. These aren't simply "too much stress" but results of years of self-suppression.
This situation has an apt modern term: "candle-burner personality"—burning yourself to illuminate others. But while candles provide warmth, they ultimately burn out.
Gender and Culture: The Cultural Dilemma That Makes "Thoughtfulness" an Obligation
Many women share similar growth experiences, closely tied to overall social culture.
Our society often teaches girls to be "sensible," "consider the big picture," and "not worry parents." These seemingly positive teachings subtly lead women to view "controlling emotions and maintaining harmony" as obligations.
In Taiwanese culture specifically, concepts like "older sisters should yield to younger brothers" and "the eldest should help parents" further internalize "caring for others" as the eldest daughter's identity duty. This affects not only mental health but causes many to miss the freedom to explore themselves, make mistakes, or simply rest.
My mother is such a person. She cared for younger siblings from childhood, excelling academically while being capable, yet she still carries regret: becoming a little adult too early, missing a childhood where she could freely dream.
Watching my mother calmly speak of these regrets, I better understood that strength is sometimes merely an unavoidable outcome.
Three Questions to Assess if You're a “Candle-Burner Personality”
If reading this feels somewhat familiar, perhaps pause and consider these questions:
Do you always care for others while neglecting your own emotions and needs?
When things go wrong, do you instinctively blame yourself first, feeling you didn't do well enough?
- Do you only allow yourself to rest when physical and mental problems arise?
If these situations repeatedly occur, especially accompanied by insomnia, fatigue, pain, or anxiety, please don't silently endure. Seeking help is a form of self-care and the first step toward rebuilding healthy boundaries and acknowledging your needs.
Three Reminders for "Oshin-Type" Women
The character Oshin（おしん) from the TV drama is always resilient, optimistic, and self-sacrificing, but in reality, such strength is actually unhealthy.
I often remind female patients in my practice, and also remind my female friends, of three things:
Boundaries are an extension of love: Learning to set boundaries isn't selfish—it allows relationships to breathe.
Stop internal harshness: Allowing yourself to be imperfect is a form of mature psychological flexibility.
Give emotions an outlet: Through writing, talking, exercise, or connecting with nature, let stress be released.
Conclusion
Eldest daughters carry the shadows of their era through life. As a psychiatrist, I want to say to you:
"Try letting go of those expectations, including demands on yourself. Leave some space for breathing and hesitation. When you're willing to do this, life will gradually loosen its grip, and you'll rediscover that strength that belongs to you alone."
Author: Dr. Ching-Lun Hung
Clinical Specialties:
Depression, bipolar disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder, anorexia/bulimia/binge eating disorder, addiction disorders
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